Hi there,
Emotions are a … complicated subject.
I for one am expert-level at suppressing or ignoring my emotions to the point of making myself ill. That is 100% not a brag or a cry for help - it’s just the truth.
But I know that about myself, so it’s something I consciously work on - on my own, in my relationships, and with my therapist. I’m proud to say that I’ve come quite far in the last 10-15 years, and Brene Brown’s books have something to do with that.
When I heard about her latest book, “Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience” I pre-ordered it immediately. Its been waiting in all its hardcover glory since it arrived, and I finished it last week.
Yes, it’s a fantastic book + I highly recommend it, and I could certainly talk about the impeccable way she summarizes some of the most intense emotions … but there’s something else at the top of my mind …
Chapter 11 is titled “Places We Go When Life is Good, ” and this particular chapter had me re-reading sections over and over.
Expressing or naming painful emotions is hard (and the book can help) … but what about allowing ourselves to feel and express uplifting emotions like joy, happiness, + contentment?
That’s just as hard for me … the guilt, the shame that weirdly comes along with feeling great in a world that always has someone, some group, some country massively suffering.
“We need to know we’re not alone - especially when we’re hurting.” - Brene Brown
But feeling gratitude or tranquility or calm is vital for our experience as humans - otherwise, we create our own suffering: mentally, emotionally, physically.
And if that wasn’t enough to have you dancing the line of sanity, let’s consider the importance of humility and the dual-sided nature of pride … and you begin to feel perpetually conflicted on whether experiencing happiness or joy is something that is ethically OK to share.
If you’re ready to completely give up on the idea of being vulnerable and showing up for your own emotions (let alone anyone else’s), please stick with me here …
There’s a specific quote, on page 261, that hit me in the chest:
“The habits that become embodied in us are the ones that we practice the most often. And, whether we are aware of it or not, we are always practicing something. When we are disembodied or disconnected from our own feelings and sensations, it’s easy to become habituated to practices that we don’t believe in or value.” - Prentis Hemphill
This extends out of Prentis’ model of embodiment versus disembodiment.
Prentis defines embodiment as “the awareness of our body’s sensations, habits, and the beliefs that inform them. Embodiment requires the ability to feel and allow the body’s emotions. This embodied awareness is necessary to realign what we do with what we believe.”
They define disembodiment as “an unawareness, repression or denial of our sensations and emotions, and/or privileging our thinking over our feeling. Disembodiment often leads to an incongruence between the actions we take in the world and the beliefs that we hold.”
In just 3 paragraphs, my whole emotional world was blown open.
I’ve been living in disembodiment for decades and, just within the last 5-10 years, moving into embodiment. I still say “moving into” because it is a day-to-day, conversation-to-conversation, moment-to-moment practice.
And then, just to throw some extra salt on it, Brene slips in this gem towards the very end of the book …
“Our connection with others can only be as deep as our connection with ourselves.” - Brene Brown
At times, my own connection with myself has been more of a liability than an asset. Well, that’s how I viewed it, especially when I was in my 20s.
And while emotions are a complicated subject, they are a necessary one for anyone born into a physical body + having a human experience (spoiler: that’s probably you, if you’re reading this).
In the past, my emotions (or lack of expressing them) have affected all my relationships - family, friends, romantic - and caused me to lose more than one job (after I would inevitably meltdown after suppressing or ignoring my emotions + be completely unable to function for days at a time).
That cycle can get old really fast yet still be habitually perpetuated if the root causes aren’t unearthed and explored … that’s what therapy is all about really.
This edition may have felt like an advertisement for therapy or Brene’s new book, but that wasn’t the hope (I highly recommend the book though) …
The hope is that you allow yourself to feel. And not just any feeling, but allow yourself to feel something fully. Especially if it overwhelms you to the point of crying and releasing the feeling from your body.
If you’re anything like me, you’ve got some suppressed emotions hiding out in your joints, your organs, and your brain.
You’re allowed to feel. You can’t control others’ reactions to your emotions. That is not your job.
Your only job on this planet is the one you have from the days you are born until the day you die - the job of becoming fully yourself. It can take far more time than you’d like, but that’s what practice is all about.
Let’s continue the practice of feeling what we feel when we feel it.
In the moment, fully present.
Start there … then we can talk about expressing + sharing those emotions (a much bigger can of worms, but still vital).
Yours in the feels,
VK