What it's like to be diagnosed with Autism + ADHD (AuDHD) as a 39-year-old woman

... can you guess? 🤔

Feb 09, 2024

Hey there,

This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever written … but probably not for the reason you think.

I’m not sad or embarrassed about being diagnosed with Autism and ADHD as a 39-year-old woman - I’m overjoyed.

It’s not uncomfortable or awkward to talk about - I’m excited to share how much the diagnosis has helped in such a short time.

This is hard to write about because … how do you describe how alien you’ve felt your entire life, especially to someone who has never felt that way?

How do you explain why you genuinely questioned if you were human for at least the first 2 decades of your life?

How do you explain waking up the day after your diagnosis, hearing the same voice running in your head that’s been following you for 39 years, and you erupt into tears, knowing that you’re not “broken,” you’re simply neurodivergent and disabled?

Explaining sexism to someone who has never experienced it is hard.

Explaining ableism to someone who has never experienced it is hard.

Explaining why you thought the world would truly be better without you because you only make things worse just by existing … is hard.

But a diagnosis is just the beginning. The diagnosis is the “why” behind how your mind works … but then you have to decide how to use the new information you have.

But even before you can do that, you have to come to terms with the truth.

You have Autism.

You have ADHD.

You are an autistic ADHD’er (AuDHD’er).

You are not broken.

You are not humanity’s mistake.

You are not an alien.

And most importantly, yes, you got diagnosed later in life.

You did miss out on your childhood.

You did miss out on a better education.

You did miss out on healthier relationships personally and professionally.

Accept it. Yell it out. Write it on paper & burn it.

And, for me personally, I have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars physically and emotionally running away from myself for over 3 decades … but no more.

You will shed tears over this. Those tears release all the misinformation, misdiagnosis, and mistreatment you’ve experienced so far.

A diagnosis helps you start the rest of your life - a life where you understand yourself better than ever before.

A life when you can meet yourself fully and grow in the ways you dreamed of because now you can learn the tools to make it possible with your “neurospicy” brain.

The more time that passes after your diagnosis, and if you choose to tell people, the more your entire past will start to “click.”

It makes sense that you ran out of energy before everyone else in your class, no matter how much you exercised & ate healthy.

It makes sense that you had countless “special interests” that you only focused on for a few months, and then ditched forever, no matter how much money or time you’d already spent.

It makes sense that you could sit still and stare out a window for literally hours at a time because you were arguing with yourself in your head about how horrible and “different” you were the entire time.

It makes sense that you were obsessed with music and felt that singing was the only way you could truly express your feelings.

It makes sense that before people meet you, they describe you as “intimidating and unapproachable.” (The best description I ever heard was, “Before I talked to you, I saw you at a coffee shop reading a book & drinking tea. You looked so relaxed and sweet, but also ready to eat my heart whole at a moment’s notice.” They were right 😁)

It makes sense that if you don’t write something down, you’ll never remember to do it.

It makes sense that you excelled in school, but then your life fell apart in your 20s when you had to make all your own decisions with no guidance or grades (aka no structure).

It makes sense that talking about your feelings was always difficult and rarely well-received so, inevitably, you would end up exploding once or twice a year and no one else understood why.

It makes sense that you got sick at least once a month during your entire childhood - you were living in survival mode 24/7/365.

It makes sense that you like your morning and evening routines, but get annoyed and edgy when your days are the exact same for weeks at a time.

It makes sense that you have changed jobs or started a new business every 3 years or so - because you’re bored and need a new challenge (dopamine!).

This is just a short list of the factors that got me diagnosed. I was diagnosed with CPTSD 2 years ago and the combo of the three is … complex, to say the least. The CPTSD came from how I was treated as a result of having Autism & ADHD but no one knew it.

And yet somehow, I’ve managed to make it this far in life.

I turn 40 years old in 2024. I’m going to get 100% out of debt. I have a job that makes me good money. I have this newsletter that I love writing (and I have a consistency issue, no surprise there). I have some long-term hobbies that I enjoy regularly, and I still try new things all the time, guilt-free.

And there’s always a feeling that it could all fall apart at a moment’s notice if I have a day where I can’t do what I need to.

This life come with additional challenges due to having Autism and ADHD and not knowing it, but the signs were all there.

And now that I know what makes my brain “neurospicy,” I can work WITH it instead of trying to FORCE it to be like a neurotypical brain.

Romantic relationships are still the hardest aspect of life for me, and this diagnosis has given me a semblance of hope that I can improve that, but I’ve also accepted that my greatest fear will likely come true (which almost makes me less afraid, haha).

(At present, I spend about 40% of my daily energy telling my brain to shut the f*ck up and not go down another rabbit hole, trying to guess what someone is thinking or feeling because I never feel like people are honestly communicating with me as others have sugarcoated or hidden things from me my entire life. I can and will read between every word, every phrase, and every pause. And I’m trying to train myself out of that. Wish me luck.)

If you are a human being and you were diagnosed with Autism, ADHD, or both later in life, you’ve found a friend in me. If you think you might have Autism, ADHD, or both, you’ve found a friend in me. (The fact that all of my close friends have Autism, ADHD, or both should have been my first clue.)

This is just the beginning of my journey, and I do not have clear, well-thought-out answers to every question there is about this journey.

But I am here to help.

I will write more about my journey; processing the emotions and the past; as well as what has been working/helping as I, for lack of a better phrase, “finally get my shit together in life.” (those are my words - that’s my present view on all of it and I’m sure that will change over time.)

Here are a few things that have helped me so far:

Especially for my fellow ladies, this song is a great anthem when life feels too f*cking much: “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World (yes, it’s a total flashback, haha)

I also made a playlist of songs that, in my opinion, touch on what it feels like to be neurodivergent in various aspects of life (and I'll keep adding to it!)

The book I’ve been reading for the last few months & I’m glad I’ve taken it slow and processed as I read: “Unmasked” by Ellie Middleton (reading a physical copy made it all feel more tangible too)

My favorite neurodivergent accounts on TikTok right now (which help me feel a lot less alone):

Gratefully,

DISCLAIMER: The experience and specific symptoms that I describe in this post are my own, but not necessarily unique to someone with Autism or ADHD.